Parenting for character: Value: Honesty

“Honesty in our words and deed”
“To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest.”

Values are guiding principles in our lives and honesty is one of the most important one. Given the environment we are in today and with access to different things, there is a temptation for children to act in other ways, instead of honesty. That is why it is important for children to imbibe honesty and adopt it in their day-to-day life.

Parents want their children to grow up to be honest. Some parents believe that it is in their child's nature to lie and to address that, they punish a child for their dishonesty. Parents usually deal with dishonesty by confronting their kids in an accusatory manner, sometime with anger and such behaviour often leads children to develop a fear of telling truth. If parents make an effort to make it safe for them, there are more chances that children will grow up to be honest. One of the best thing you can do is, always praise their courage for telling you the truth.

It is important to note that there is a big difference between being dishonest—lying or cheating— and “making things up,” as children often do in a fantasy play. Toddlers are not yet ready to make a clear distinction between reality and imagination. For example, your child may claim that his friend has given him chocolate even if that’s not true. While it may seem like the child is telling a lie, it’s his imagination that makes him to say so. An accusation at this point can only hurt your child’s feelings. Although you should discourage your child from deliberately lying and cheating, you should also let them know that it is fine to role play and pretend and gradually they will learn to understand.

• Encourage honesty in your child by being role model:
  One of the best ways for teaching honesty to kids is to create a truthful home. For instance, do not lie over the phone in front of your child, like telling someone that you are sick when you are not. Just as you sense when your child is lying, children will often read their parents’ untruth. If your child sees your life littered with little white lies, he learns that it is an acceptable ways to avoid consequences. A basic part of teaching honesty to kids is by not asking them to share in your lie by saying you’re not home. (Instead, mother could say, he (father) can’t come to the phone right now. May I take message?”) Always remember, sharp little eyes sees all and you can’t fooled your child every time. Also, don’t become a partner in your child’s lying. If your child didn’t finish her home-work because she was too tired, do not let her convince you to write a false note to school.

• Tell your children about how much you value honesty:
  It is very important that parents create an environment where a family can always count on each other especially when it comes to telling the truth. Do talk to your child on how honesty is the very backbone of your family and warn them that once the trust is broken, it will take a long time to build it back. Your focus should be on creating such an environment where everyone feels comfortable telling the truth and there are no secrets kept. Children between age 2-6 learns through value-based story telling only.
  Like,
  (1) “Pinocchio” – the story in which the puppet-boy’s nose grows longer each time he tells a lie
  (2) “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” – the story of a little shepherd boy who often lies about being attacked by a wolf. When the wolf really appears, no one believes the boy, and he as well as his sheep are devoured by the wolf.
  Use literature as a great reservoir of pretend and real stories to discuss and compare. Look for books which have characters that children can empathize with. For pre-schooler age, dramatize situation with puppets. Do perform role play on real and fantasy scenarios to help children distinguish what is true and what is make believe. Soon, they will start realizing the other’s persons’ point of view and will make your child realise that honesty is an important to value to inculcate in life.

• Don't overreact when your child lies:
  Help you children find a way to tell the truth. Provide children with appropriate outlets for their different emotions like anger, frustration, sadness and loneliness as these can be triggers for lying. Do validate their feelings by saying encouraging sentences like, "I promise I won't scold," or "Relax and tell me what happened". Give them a little time to gather a courage. In due course, the child will start accepting the mistakes. Let them know how much you appreciated their honesty. Let them learn the lesson that even if being honest is not always be easy or comfortable, and it is always better to tell the truth.

• Don’t call your children liars:
  It is important to avoid labels when addressing your children, especially those like “liars”. Such a action will only make them more defensive, and over time they may accept that they are liars. Instead, make it known that you do not appreciate lies and more importantly, that you will love them no matter what. A label can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Teaching honesty to kids works better when you say phrases like, “This isn’t like you; you’re usually honest with me.” Don’t ask, “Are you lying?” but rather, “Is that really truth”?
  Always remember, Occasional lying will happen, but habitual lying needs to receive counselling to uncover the cause.

• Don’t create circumstances for your children to lie:
  Parents should avoid asking questions if they already know the answer. For instance, If you're sure that your child hasn't finished his homework, do not ask "Did you finish your homework? Such questions will only create circumstances for your children to lie. In fact, in such a situation now they have committed two faults, not only have they not finished their homework but they have also lied. In the above scenario your child may take a chance and lie that he/she has finished the homework. Instead a better approach would be to ask them directly, "I know that you haven’t finished your homework yet," or "show me your homework after you've finished doing it."
  Consult the children (especially if you have more than one child) to solve the problems. Have a direct, open and an honest communication. Instead of children tattling about who did or didn’t do something and giving truthful or untruthful answers, work together.

• Don’t dig past instances:
  Once a lie is disclosed and the confession is made, avoid bringing it up again, as it will create a belief in your children that you only observe bad thing deed instead of good. For best practice, create simple rules together that children can abide by from early age. When rules seem unrealistic or overwhelming to children, this can lead them to lie about what they are doing or what happened because they are afraid of punishment. Always thank your children for being honest and try to move on.

• Be honest yourself:
  Everyone has the ability to be honest, but if you don’t practice it, both you and your kids may develop the habit of cutting corners, fudging and telling white lies- because it’s easier. As a parent you have the opportunity to help your kids develop the characteristics of being honest, but it has to be nurtured. Do not lower your standards, but do understand that they might not be perfect every time. Fortunately, perfection isn’t one of our goals.

Every child can be honest. As a parent, you can help your children in being honest. The best approach would be to be firm on the value of honesty and being gentle with your beloved kids.