Parenting for character: Value: Responsibility

The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence
. –- Denis Waitley

It is astonishing how well our kids learn what we teach them. It is important to note that most of the things kids learn from their parent’s behaviour, not via their words. Positive non-verbal communication plays an important role in character shaping. This is probably why most parents have made the statement “I have said it one hundred times and they just do not get it!" because kid’s does not listen, they watch, they observe.

Kids who come from chaotic homes, where belongings are not in place never learn that life can be more simple and smooth if things get little organized. In homes where there is no set time or space to do homework, kids hardly learn how to sit themselves down to accomplish an unpleasant task. Kids who do not develop basic self-care routines, from grooming to food, may find it hard to take care of themselves as young adults. Being responsible is an important element that contributes greatly towards a child’s success not just academically, but throughout their life.

“Responsibility” for a child means knowing how to take care of self and others, taking care of day-to-day activities like managing wardrobe, clean up their room, finishing homework without any sort of reminders, etc. When your children know how to take responsibility for their actions, they will get things done without looking for excuses. Your children will grow up to be trustworthy and dependable in other’s eyes. They will be ready to take any responsibilities that might come their way throughout the life. To teach responsibility requires a parent to reward a child for accomplished behaviour rather than for expected behaviour or just talk about plans.

Children become irresponsible only when we fail to give them opportunity to take on responsibilities -- Margaret Goldman

Below are proven ways to teach your children about Responsibility:

• Start Early :
  Teaching a child to be responsible is not an overnight process. You cannot suddenly teach responsibility to a teenager and expect them to get it right. As children, they are more likely to learn about these traits and hence, it is best to begin as early as possible. Play to a child’s skill level and demonstrate how to complete small tasks timely. Giving your child chores that require some efforts, but are achievable for his age, will increase his sense of independence. Responsibility for kids is not just completing a task; it is also about an attitude, the idea of taking action and being proud of doing it and not just always having the parents to do it.

  For example,
  If milk got spilled, do not get angry or react unpleasantly. Instead, ask your children to help while you clean the mess. Make it a point to involve them even if you think it is easier to do it yourself. If you are not judgemental or strict about the way they clean, slowly and gradually they will learn to clean their own mess. If your daughter throws her dirty clothes on floor then place a basket in her room and show her where the day-old frock belongs. Try to give them opportunities to contribute whenever possible. Doing so will make them feel valued.

• Don’t raise a spoilt brat:
  Children often grow up to be irresponsible and even spoilt, when parents;

  1. Give their children things, treats, or rewards without them expecting it.

  2. Do things for children that they can very well to do for themselves.

  3. Do not assign the task and expects more in return.

  4. Do not hold their children accountable for their misbehaviours.

  5. Over-pampered

  Such actions result in children who are not learning about how to take responsibility, possess skills that can sustain everyday living, and how to take care of themselves. They grow up to be individuals that expect things to be done for them as if they are entitled to it. This leads to ill-mannered children who do not show gratitude. Parents have to set limits for the tasks they do for their children and learn to say NO. Start holding them accountable for their mistakes and misbehaviour. Further, they must be assigned chores and make sure they do it. Instead of simply ordering your child to carry out daily chores; parents can start by involving them and show them how it is done. To get them involved is the key. If your child is hungry, show them where the food items are kept instead of handing it directly. As a parent, your goal should never be to get the job done. Rather, it should be instilling a sense of responsibility in your child and contributing to their holistic growth. Helping your child realize the importance of contributing is more important than getting the job done.

• Set a routine:
  To have responsible and independent child is the sign of best parenting. A routine is a good way to help kids manage their own timetable. Parents must create a repeatable routine for their children and ensure that they get a hold of it slowly and steadily. Kids thrive on order. Instead of offering rewards to get them to meet responsibilities, set up a morning routine with a positive end-result.

  First, you begin by seeing ‘Responsibility’ as something joyful for your child, instead of burden. Actually, you do not need to teach kids to handle themselves responsibly; you just need to teach them that they have power to contribute positively. Routines and structures allow child to internalize constructive habits. A younger child may not fully realize these tasks are his responsibilities, but allowing him to create a healthy structure will give confidence to work independently.

Shared- Responsibility, Engaging whole Family to set routine:

• Create welcoming atmosphere at bedtime story session

• Prepare them mentally about the new routine and responsibilities by planning to-gather

• Have open, direct and honest communication

• Communicate Clear expectation timely

• Age- appropriate task along with appreciation

In the process, if child does not do anything, do not force for apology. A forced apology will never mean as much as one that came from their heart. A better approach would be to understand why your child misbehaved or took a wrong decision and then teaching them about why & what they did was wrong and eventually, help them amend their mistakes. Research says that children who have a high self-esteem grow up to be more responsible. This trait helps them acknowledge their mistakes and they go on to learn from them. Do not make them promises you cannot keep and if you accidentally do, apologize immediately.

Modelling:

Being a parent comes with a multitude of responsibilities and duties. Of-course, you want your children to grow up to be healthy, happy and exceptional adults, but for that to happen your children need to be properly cared for, guided, loved, disciplined, taught and encouraged along the way. Whatever happens in parent-child relationship at any age do not give up. When we hold our children accountable for their actions, even if it means uncomfortable, even painful, interaction with them, we are raising responsible children. Do not impose your own point of view every time.

As parents, we certainly have many responsibilities “to” our children. We are responsible to provide them shelter, food, safety, instruction, correction, love, and so on. However, we cross a boundary when we make ourselves responsible “for” them. We have now set ourselves up to fix, solve, protect, rescue, and control their behaviour and emotions. This is a losing battle that not only violates the principle of personal responsibility but causes us untold worry, strife, and anguish.

Notice the difference in how we parent when we are clear about our responsibility “to” Rather than “for”:

If I feel responsible for my children, I…

• Fix, solve, protect, rescue, and control

• Feel tired, worried, fearful, unappreciated

• Expect them to live up to my expectations

• Manipulate them to make sure things turn out right

If I feel responsible to my children, I…

• Listen, encourage, support and love

• Feel relaxed, trusting, confident, appreciated

• Trust them to live up to their own expectations

• Am concerned with enjoying our relationship

By being responsible “for,” we rob our children of their own responsibility and steal from them growth opportunities of great value. By being responsible “to,” we help them become independent and carry out their own age-appropriate responsibilities, solve their own problems, and make their own choices. However, learning to do this takes great trust and faith. It requires that we focus less on our children and more on our own assumptions and emotional reactions.

Just remind yourself- This relationship is our baby- we created it, we nurtured it, we cannot finish it at any cost. Let us take up the complete responsibility to make it as beautiful as we want it to be. Let us stop blaming them; asking them to change; going into pain; getting angry and saying words which we would regret. If the relationship is important to us, we have to look at only one person – our self. Let us put in all our love, patience, respect, trust and care into that relationship. Let us try one more time in a different way and wait for the magic to reveal. Let us be the best role model for tomorrow’s change maker. Take pride in raising responsible citizen of tomorrow.